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Saturday, September 03, 2005

An Open Letter to Kanye West

Dear Mr. West,

I thought I'd open this letter with some of your own words:

(all the, all the diamond rings, diamond rings)
They don't mean a thing (all, all, all the things)
They don't mean a thing
(all the, all the diamond rings, diamond rings)
They don't mean a thing, a thing

And I don't care 'bout (all the, all the diamond rings, diamond rings)
They don't mean a thing (all, all, all the things)
All these fancy things
I tell you that all (all the glitter) my weight in gold
Now all I know I know all these things


I would like to thank you in advance for donating all your diamond rings, diamond rings, to the Red Cross, Red Cross. Maybe they don't me a thing, a thing, to you, to you, but they sure will make a difference, difference in the life of someone who doesn't go platinum as often, as often. Do you think your entourage could live somewhere else for the next few months so you could house some of the victims? No? Alright. Blame the head of the Executive Branch of the Federal Government, then. I can't believe that the Executive Branch didn't commandeer school buses or send its limos. Considering how many can fit into your Benz S600, imagine how many the Executive could save in his stretched!

I guess they didn't teach civics at your college, Kanye. Oh, I forgot, the name of your most popular album is called "College Dropout." Cool, Kanye. What the African American minority needs is a popular rapper gloating about his wealth despite his failings in the educational system. Maybe you can call your next album, "Dear fellow African-Americans, I advise you to stop studying literature and start going to the gym so you can be a major sports figure with lots of cheese", or perhaps, "Buy more lottery tickets!", or “You too can win video poker!”

An aside, I saw your mansion on MTV's "Cribs" the other day. Some might thing "excessive", but I shall respond, "Duly rewarded"!

Here's the thing Kanye, our country is reeling from a tragic natural disaster amplified by poor planning at various levels of governments in the past several decades. Your comments tonight on NBC simply make the recovery harder for everyone. Out of fear for being labeled a "college-boy" by you (that's right, Kanye, I admit that I can't spit profound lyrics similar to yours, allowing me to get the "cheese" and “hoes”), I've decided not to address the horizontal and vertical distribution of powers entailed in our Constitution and respected by our country. I also fear that doing so would automatically make me a Bush-lover in your book, although that is not the reality. Heaven forbid that anyone state that the members of the political party “opposing” them might not be evil. Normalized curve be dammed! Oh, wait, sorry, the whole college thing again. Alright, let me see… well, Kanye, our current political atmosphere has a graphical statistical representation more like the Golden Arches of McDonalds than say, an upside down "U"… make more sense now? Mmm, RibWich!

The bottom line is that I fear that your criticisms are probably the result of the fact that there are more words that rhyme with the words "Bush" and “President” than there are with the phrase, "state and city governments, including those of Louisiana." Don't worry K-dog, like Chris Tucker on NBC tonight, I’m here to bail you out. So, to help you get started, I suggest you rhyme the latter with: "Gave mo uh my cheese to those peeps than gots that whitey Joe Montana"?

Man, I'm such a good emcee, I might just drop out of law school. Envision it, my first album, album: "Law School Drop-Out", platinum no doubt, no doubt. Mmmm, RibWiches in my S600, 600.

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