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Location: Ann Arbor, MI // Madrid, Spain

Monday, May 09, 2005

The Grey Satan

No wonder the U.S. never found the person sending anthrax to our nation's capitol--he used the U.S. Postal Service. My parents affectionately refer to USPS as the Grey Satan. Really, why didn't the anthrax person use FedEx, DHL, or UPS? It probably would have been cheaper.

Recently, I had a suit sent to my house. The package was sent using "delivery confirmation." Arriving home at 4:30 from my proctored Torts exam, I checked the "tracking" (a misnomer, the system technically is not a "tracking" system) status: "Delivered at 3:37." No package. No slip. Even though I live in hippy-ville Ann Arbor, I started to worry.

I called the main post office and they transferred me to a different post office. The latter post office told me to call the previous post office, but said they couldn't transfer me. I asked the woman for the number and when I asked her to repeat it, she hung up on me. Cool. I looked the number up on Google. There was no answer. Fine. I'll drive there.

When I got to the main post office I asked the person at the counter if nobody was answering the phones today. She responded that there was. I told her that I had been calling but there was no answer. She said, and I quote, "That can't be true. I seriously doubt that." She called my bluff! Of COURSE I would lie about their phones not working. I'm cunning like that.

She told me to go to some other room. The whole situation quickly became a scene out of Gilliam's Brazil. The two people in the room had no idea what was going on, and called the supervisor. After literally three to five minutes of all three individuals fumbling around on the computer, they "tracked" my package--USING THE SAME services customers use online. "Sorry," said the supervisor, "you need to get me the originating address. We can track it better with that." This didn't make much sense to me, but whatever, I'm desperate, my zegna suit is lost.

I mention tht the phones aren't working, so it was kind of a hassle. "The phones aren't down." I assured him that they were. "No, they are not down." At this point I take out my cell phone and CALL them. Yup, they were broken. It's too bad the phones were working, I thought they would fall for my cleverly planned out lie! I had so much to gain from lying about it.

I go home, get the address and come back. Mr. Delgado is gone, but the other supervisor is in. She tells me that there was no reason I needed the address. Mr. Delgado, A SUPERVISOR, happened to be NEW. First piece of advice: IF THEY'RE NEW, DON'T MAKE THEM SUPERVISORS!

She tells me to tell the sender that he has to take the delivery confirmation receipt to the sending post office. She tells me that with the delivery receipt they will have more tracking information. This also didn't make sense, but I just want to go home. I get home and notify the sender. Their post office says that's absurd. So, three days later (today), I go back and talk to the second supervisor. "If he fills out a form 1000, well, that will help." A form 1000? Brazil. I tell her that I've spent more time on this problem than the post office has in their negligent handling of my suit, and that she needs to explain delivery confirmation and a form 1000.

Turns out, a form 1000 is the insurance form. It had NOTHING to do with finding my package. Thanks for wasting my time. Furthermore, even though there was nobody home, a mail carrier doesn't even need to LEAVE A MAIL SLIP NOTIFYING THE PACKAGE WAS LEFT if he or she thinks it was left in a secure place. If they DON'T think it was left in a secure place, they leave a slip? Cool. I hate USPS. I can't write anymore. I hate them too much.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wilfred Brimley will want to talk to you. "It will happen like this ...

9:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And Hillary wants to do for health care what the USPS has done for parcel post?

Isn't Ben Franklin responsible for creating this evil bureaucracy? Didn't he also found the country's first university - PENN? What does this mean?

9:47 PM  
Blogger BDK said...

That picture is even better than Wilfred Brimley.

9:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You mean Wilford.


4:56 AM  
Blogger BDK said...

"He was a farmer and rodeo rider who, after gaining weight, became a blacksmith and then a film actor."

- IMDB on Wilford Brimley.

The more you know...

2:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wilfred - Wilford, either way he is just a silly shill for Quaker Oats. His only memorable part was playing Postmaster General on Seinfeld.

8:47 AM  
Blogger Dillon Mark Kuehn said...

He also had some awesome commercials during mid-afternoon Matlock/I Love Lucy episodes in which he promoted rascal scooters and prescription plans.

3:27 PM  
Blogger BDK said...

The difficult question is whether he was better as Noa in Ewoks: The Battle for Endor, or as Grandpa Sam Ferrans in Summer of the Monkeys.

Of course he was at his peak in The Thing. If you haven't seen The Thing, you must. A team of researches uncovers a spaceship buried in the ice, releasing The Thing. The Thing infects living things, able to control them while it waits to attack its next victim. The Thing also stars Kurt Russel, in a role superceded only by his virtuoso performance in Captain Ron. Much like Captain Ron, The Thing will change your life, and the way you feel about Mr. Brimley.

10:49 AM  

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